I gotta go to the potty, who's coming? and other poop stories...

May 30, 2018

Can a mom take a poop alone? NO!


GAWD, Once upon a time, I pooped, all by myself. I didn't have anyone banging on the door or gawking at my crotch. I could just poop in peace.  My husband can stay in the pooper for hours, on his iPoop app. No interruptions. Getting caught up on Game of Thrones, building Sim City, reading ESPN articles. Me - well I'm lucky if I can get in and out without hurting anyone. 


Now pooping, it's like a special treasure. If I have alone bathroom time, I am not sure what to do. I'm used to dogs staring at me, cat paws under the door, and a kid banging on the door. Mommy, look what I can do. If I sit in there for more than a minute or two, then I worry that something is wrong. She is climbing on the kitchen counter choking on a cheerio. Or better yet, there is new artwork on the wall, or her face.  One time she wanted to look like a cat, so a few permanent markers (yes we have perm markers, don't judge), and voila, CAT FACE! The day before picture day. Mama not happy. 



For reasons that I won't really get into here, I've always been a "get in - get out - nobody gets hurt" mentality with the toilet. I've never been a camper, read the newspaper front to back person like my dad was. So like I mentioned, my hubby can sit in there with his iPOOP app. ME? I could be completely ignored for hours on end, but as soon as I enter the bathroom, it's like a silent alarm goes off and suddenly I am accompanied by minors, animals, and I'm sure if the fishtank had wheels, they'd be cruising down the hall to hang out with me. 


Being at home is one issue when trying to perform the constitutional, but out in public, a whole other beast. One time we were heading back from Idaho after visiting inlaws for a week or two. We got an early morning start, hit the road and two hours into the trip we stopped in Twin Falls for breakfast and bathroom break at McDonalds. My hubby goes to order our food and I take the 4 year old to the potty with me. Of course she goes in the big stall with me because I cannot leave her alone. There are a few other people in the public restroom. She is still potty training, but when it's my turn to sit, I have the toggle sit, the fear of her opening the door. Don't touch the handle, sit still, please leave the door alone"?  Then very loudly she exclaims "Mommy, how many times do you have to wipe"? ME: AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES. As we head out the bathroom door and see hubby has breakfast at a corner table, there are two older gentlemen having their coffee closeby. My daughter runs to daddy yelling "Daddy, mommy just took the biggest poop"! OMG, total embarrassment as I look over at the two men and say "Good morning".  OH, and coffee makes me poop. What about you? 



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